I am more myself this way

I was none too pleased when I realized I had fallen asleep with a pie in the oven.  and not just a quick nap asleep. Try three hours! Now my house smells like slightly burnt pecan pie.

 

Its not terrible, but man. What a way to start the season. I own making pecan pies. I could try again, but at 2:30 in the morning, I just don’t feel like it.

At least the casseroles turned out okay…I hope. I am very cautious since we will be taking them over to a group this year and I have never made sweet potato casserole before. It looks fine, but looks can be deceiving. Sigh. I hope I don’t embarrass myself.

 

I guess as long as my apple pie for Thanksgiving day turns out alright I’ll be okay. I make that tonight or Wednesday morning. I haven’t decided yet.

I feel like I just played a game of Cafe World and lost.

In other news, Cameron can sleep through anything.

Halloween was eh. Not feeling it so much this year.

I am not mad at him for his upsetting me. I just think sometimes there are places where together we should not drink together. And he agrees. And apologizes. and apologizes. And i tell him its okay. Because it is. Because i trust it won't happen again. Because I love him.

I will not be so friendly with a girl named Chelsea though. Attention whore? Too drunk? Irresponsible? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what got us to that point last night. And while I pity her situation, its not like its new. She got herself there, she has been trying to avoid it and it finally blew up in her face and while the rest of us only granted limited apologies and condolences, she suckered my boy in and used him, and used him, and watched as he made an ass out of me in front of everyone. So I will be chilly. Like December. Maybe a december with almost enough clothes on, but its windy, and you forgot your gloves. She will feel it. And know. Fuck her.

Perhaps, we can go to the haunted house tonight. It is it's last night, and I really really wanted to go this year. It was my one heart's desire.

Let me check times. And hope he wakes up.

I like October and it let me down. I dislike November and it is here. I hope maybe this year it will surprise me with happiness, and giving, rather than moving and heartbreak. I am hopeful. But cautious.

I will make a hand turkey this year.

My friend is in trouble. I can't say she's in immediate danger or anything, but she is in danger of losing herself or something. I don't know. She slapped her husband today, and I feel he totally deserved it. He's been slapping her heart around for the past two years and I say hell yeah its about time you actually did something about it. But he called the cops and while the cop was nice and didn't take her to jail, if it happens again he said he would. And it will happen again the cop says unless they get help or call it quits.

I've been supportive of the relationship for the last few years, but in reality I think she should just take the kids and leave. Thats what he is waiting on in all likelihood. He's too much of a coward to make any life decisions on his own. I'm pissed at him. its not like he is a terrible person who yells at her and beats her. To meet him a few times you'd think, there's nothing wrong with him. But knowing him means you know that he lies and steals and has had (still has?) a drug problem. He's been in jail numerous times, not that jail is always a terrible thing, but the fact that he makes the same mistakes and can't change up his pattern is a sign. She always blamed the drugs he did as a younger man. I don't know what to think. I like to sometimes blame his mom for coddling him and taking care of his problems, because he expects it all the time now, and Amy is always cleaning up his messes. SHe isn't the same girl anymore. I remember when she was bright eyed and full of hope for the future. Now I don't know what she thinks. I just want her to be happy and that girl that planned to ride around in our motorscooters in old age drinking margaritas in the old folks home with. I don't want her to look so tired and worn out and defeated. Its his fault. I blame him. I know she was the one who pushed for the marriage, because she felt it was the right thing to do for the kids, but looking back--its only been nine months, I think to myself, really? I mean reallyl why did I let you go through with that! I blame myself as well. I should have stopped it. She wasn't really happy. You can look at the wedding pictures and tell she wasn't. I knew it as I was standing by her side as her maid of honor. She was settling, and I think he knew it to. I dunno.

I wish things were differnt. I hope she sees some light or truth or something soon. I feel like this is at the precipice. They are staring the cliff in the face and if something doesn't happen they are agoing to fall off the edge with her or him ending up in jail (again) or they are going to find a way down if he mans up and takes responsibility for his actions and actually wants to change. He doesn't as of now. He is perfectly content with the way he is and sees no reason to change. Its obvious by the lack of initiative he takes at home. True I only hear her side of the story, but I've heard enough about the lies and the deception to know that even if I heard his side, it wouldn't convince me that she was being irrational. I would have left him ages ago. But she is making that mistake that we all do. She thinks she can change him. She can't. But she has to realize this on her own. I had to learn it. Danica had to learn it. Everyone else who has ever contemplated or been though a bad breakup/divorce knows it. There are others learning it as we speak. I know several, and they'll either learn to just let go and deal with the short comings of the person they care about or they will leave and head back awya from that cliff and start over down the path.


My boyfriend doees not seem to understand that this is upsetting to me. That this is my bestfriend going through something that I'd like to talk about. He didn't ask me about it. He just played his video game and asked if i'd like to play after I came in from the hour conversation I'd had with her. It would ahve been nice had be asked if I wanted to talk. But I know this is not always him. He is spoiled, he is spoiled rotten, and thoughtful on occasion but you cannot predict it. You never know when he will be the perfect boyfriend or a spoiled brat. His mother and I know we coddle him at times. And sometimes we yell and tell him to get off his ass and be a man. So its sporadic. I accept this. I hope he accepts the fact that while his behaviour as perfect boyfriend is sporadic, so my behavior as thoughtful girlfriend who takes care of him even when I'm exhausted and half falling asleep will be sporadic.

I do love him to pieces though. Hypothetically I hope we get married.

I think its important for people to take an active role in their lives.

If you are unhappy or unsettled it seems like you should take active steps to find a way to change it. Even if you don’t find something right away, the act of even looking, thinking about it, moving taking mental or physical risks, changes your position. Does this make sense?

No one should feel like life is just being mean to them. Its not true. Life is neutral, the things that happen are neutral. They are just things. Its all in how you look at them that gives them power. So, if you look at a situation and think, this is crap and punishment, that is only your mindset, and if you can change your mind, you won’t feel the same negativity towards the neutral event.

I’m rambling.

Off to Poochfest! I love volunteering. :)

Last night I learned that 6 margaritas is entirely too much for a person who hasn’t eaten anything all day. I didn’t mind it too much though. It was a fun time had by all at our local Mexican restaurant. I was happy, until i wasn’t. And I don’t remember stream of consciousness anything from last night. I remember getting home (or rather to cam’s house since we were all dropped off by the dd there) and deciding I should make myself throw up so I could sleep. I wasn’t even feeling that ill, so i don’t know why I felt that was necessary. But cam was there to check on me while i tried to hurl and i started crying my eyes out. I don’t even remember really about what, just being stressed the hell out about everything I guess. He never really told me what I was crying about and I can’t remember any of the conversation. I just remember him being there and holding me and I felt like “he loves me, and it’ll be okay” But there is no feeling of what I was crying over. So. Then i proceeded to cry in front of his mom. She was trashed too, so it was fine. I don’t know why it started, but she came in and held my hand and I just started balling my eyes out. That was about house stuff, and she told me not to worry, i’m just a baby and that none of this is that serious. Everything will be okay. I remember thinking I hope she doesn’t leave me like Karen did because she’s the best momish mom I’ve had since Karen. I love Suzie, but she is different. She doesn’t understand me.

I feel guilty for having my breakdown, although no one mentioned it today and everything seemed fine.  I want things to work out okay. I’m tired of being stressed and behind on bills. Part of me thinks maybe the best thing is just to lose the house, but I don’t really mean that. I want to fix it up still, I have plans for it before I sell it. I dunno.

I’m gonna call the mortgage people in the morning and just see what my options are. It shouldn’t be that severe yet its only 2 months behind, but I want to see where I’m going and how I can make this work.

 

Also I’d like a job. I get so pissy when filling out applications because I’m filling out apps for anything at this point. I don’t want to do anything, but in this economy and with my fear, I guess i can work at a gas station, if they’ll have me. They don’t want me because I’m overqualified. Vicious cycle. In five years things will be so different. I am looking forward to that, because right now is scary.

 

And all those people who seem to think that the 10 percent of the population that is unemployed in Georgia are just not trying hard enough really piss me off. They say, i’ve never had trouble finding a job….yeah, well you’ll see when the next recession comes around. Its hard for business ppl who aren’t that specialized, but aren't baggers to find work right now. Don’t talk to me like i must just be an undesirable employee.

I never had trouble finding work before either. It used to be a snap. Sigh.

i have been notably absent from the blogosphere for the last few days. This is due to my continuing struggle with some form of illness. H1N1 comes to mind, but i really don’t know what i have since i haven’t gone to the doctor. Not making much money means that i do not spent 100 bucks to hit up the doctor for them to write me a prescription for another 50 bucks. I take over the counter stuff and wait it out. All symptoms did match up with the flu however and I am still trying to shake it after day 5. The fever left me finally last night though. Internet said its really not that big a deal so I didn’t make a big fuss about the flu. And improvement is happening. My back is killing me from bed rest and the angle at which i have been watching tv on the computer for the last several days. i have lost a significant amount of weight. I pulled on jeans for the first time and they fall right off of me without a belt. Today is the first day of feeling like eating anything. (crackers, cereal with soy milk) and I got the mail. (which nearly killed me, i came in almost blacked out and laid down to take an hour nap. I don’t know how i’m going to be ready for Monday work. I have an overdraft on my bank account. I gave the boyfriend my card because he wanted to buy groceries, and he was out of money. Sweet gesture, I just didn’t think about the fact that I had all my bills going out. So now I owe Wachovia 45 of my hard-earned dollars in junk fees. I wish they would just decline things instead of authorizing them. But its a bank, they have to make money somehow.

 

I got a B in Accounting. This is exciting only in the fact that it helps my GPA. I still want to take the class again because I retained nothing, and really want to understand the concept before I move on to Managerial Accounting. I want to look for a second job, however being ill makes me not feel like doing anything. Poor Bridgette is sick too, but she did not have 5 days of bed rest and has been pushing herself (and her unborn baby) too hard, and is now at the doctor—i think her asthma is acting up. I’m sending positive vibes her way. Being sick with swine flu, pregnant and having asthma is not happy. I hope she takes it easy for the next few days.

The boyfriend has been really awesome comin to check on me after work. He’s been my only outside world contact for days, and I’m okay with that because I feel kinda groggy in the head. Not with it entirely, but today is better. My skin almost feels like my skin.

But I am going to lay down now. My back really hurts, and this kitten next to me is very cute.

I have a new job. I am not sure how I feel about it. I am a server at a bar called scores. I get to work in fishnets and converse. This makes me happy. What doesn’t make me happy is the lack of transparency in the running of the company.

See its a bar that doesn’t accept credit cards, doesn’t do small change i.e. if you’re total is 10;56 you will be charged 11, and a lot of the servers don’t provide receipts to the customers and will upcharge them. This is an acceptable practice according to the trainer (she doesn't recommend doing it, but that's a personal choice she says) and management.  It’s a fun little place if you can handle a really urban environment. I’m not sure how this makes me feel. Its shady. Also, none of us (the servers) are on the books as far as i can tell. We only make money from tips. So I don’t know if we are going to get a tax form at the end of the year. I hate taxes, however, it is law to pay them. I might break some lesser laws, but on the federal level, nah. I might not divulge everything, but with the way I live (mortgage, single person home) i think some red flags might crop up if I suddenly don’t pay taxes and claim no income for the year.

With the uncertainty about a new job, I do think of it as an opportunity. I've always wanted to work in a bar, and I am hopeful that maybe I can teach them something, or they will teach me something. I will of course be transparent with my customers. I’ll tell them upfront if they haven’t been here before that we do not accept cards, and it is cash only—it seems in poor form to not inform them of that immediately—what if they only have a credit card! The fee for using it at an ATM is ridiculous, not to mention the other charges incurred for the advance. I might also tell them we don’t deal in small change and depending on your total we will either round up or down at the end of the night. Isn’t transparency the best way to deal? I’ve seen a posting about someone who was really upset about the lack of info before the order, and i will not have a customer that upset with me. They figure in tip into every total so even if they don’t leave tip on the table I’m still getting my 15 percent. I’d like to see glowing reports for any place I work. I also wonder about the business practices they employ with the gross profits. I am learning a little about business with this accounting class. Do they look at all income as profit or are they figuring in all the other liabilities? I guess they’ve cut one by not having any employees other than the bouncers, cook and management. I want to get in there and eventually work in the cash office and see how they document everything. I hate accounting (probably because i don’t  understand it yet) but i want to minor in it. I think its imperative to understand the running of a business.

in other news I want to go to DC in January. Mary and Jess went and I’m dying to spend a couple days out there as a tourist!

I’m stressed out all of a sudden. I realized I had done the “ungraded homework” instead of the “graded” in our online module for accounting. I hate accounting right now. I hate it because I’m taking it online, the teacher is non existent, and its a mini-mester. It goes my too quickly for me to learn it. So i’ve been cheating my way through the tests. open note, open book. I don’t care just as long as i get done with the class so I can take it again at Gwinnett Tech in a slow paced way where I will actually learn something. We’ve done 11 chapters in 7 weeks. I’m fried. I haven’t retained the basics. When i went into tutoring, the woman told me just to keep holding on and doing what i was doing, because there was no way she could teach me the stuff in enough time for it to help with the course. Remedial accounting will be required she said. Silly me for not noticing the pace before the cut off date. I still have an acceptable grade. Its a c at present. It had been a B but missing that homework assignment doomed me. I emailed her to see if she would give partial points because it was an oversight and I did homework, just not the correct one. She’s got the ungraded and graded mixed in together in the end and I just clicked the wrong one. I want a B. I’m trying to boost my average. Its borderline Hope right now, and I want to have a little more cushion. I don’t like having such a low GPA. 3.01 is not acceptable.

 

So i noticed that and now my heart is racing, my head hurts, and i want to cry. I hate chemicals sometimes. i wish i could be completely logical and analytical and emotionless at times. Deep breath. I have another module to do today. and then work on the accounting project for tomorrow. Which is complete bullshit. I’m just pissed. I don’t understand. i don’t want to understand. i just want it to be over.

 

In other news, I got a job at a shady bar in Decatur. Its safe, they’ve got bouncers and police there but the way they do the money thing is shady. And all the servers are off the books so any profits we make we don’t have to claim on taxes, but I probably will  claim a lot of it anyway. Not all, because i’ve got some things that need to be caught up on, but i believe in being a mostly law abiding citizen. I hate taxes, i hate government intervention, but for the time being, that’s how it works, so i put up with it.  I’m trying to find a second job for in the mornings. I applied at best buy but haven’t heard anything. Cameron got a call back the next day after he applied. He’s doing the two job thing too. Mechanics are having a tough time right now.  His interview is today at 3. I’m hopeful for him. But I’m also hopeful for me. I applied at Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Body Works and Hot Topic. Hot topic lady said she would be hiring next month and to come back then, but I really wanted something now. If i haven’t heard anything the first week in October I’l go back to her.  I don’t know when I’ll sleep. Or when I’ll get school work done. But I have a house that needs work and a yard that is in limbo because I don’t have the money to fix it, and I’m over it. i want things to look better. I want my life to be seamless again. I want to be the responsible 23 year old who has her shit together again. I don’t like not having extra money to do nice things for people. I don’t like being on the receiving end of monetary kindnesses or meals. I loathe it actually.

Okay, i’m done rambling. Gonna go clean the kitchen and then come back and tackle this accounting again. I’m pissed. I want my fucking B. I won’t be happy until i have it again.

I have been feeling very unintelligent recently.

I had always imagined that I was a little more intelligent than the average bear, because my test results always said so in that lovely government run school i attended for the better part of my youth. But in this youthful struggle to find my place in the business world, I know the school system failed me. I know this because its goal of creating a complacent little worker in the system failed. I am not happy being a grunt. i am  not happy doing menial work in an office. i do not want to be a paper pusher, a physical laborer or a number cruncher for 8 hours a day working under someone. I learned this with the first “real” job i ever held down. Retail was bad, that was even worse. If the school system had done its job wouldn’t i be ignorant to anything else like so many of my peers are? It failed be, because i am not happy. However, it succeeded in stunting my ability to creatively and analytically think. I am a good regurgitater. I can memorize what you want me to memorize about a subject steeped in facts, dates, places, people. But when it comes to quantitative facts, my brain is moving through sludge. It’s so frustrating because I can almost hear the big Industrialists mocking me now. Rockefeller and Morgan. They got their wish. A school system to keep us just smart enough to be productive… but not smart enough to move up and provide competition.

I am struggling to finish my Associates in Business Admin so I can transfer to Tech. I know understanding business is key to building one. But I am struggling so. My GPA is at the bare minimum for me to keep my scholarship and while i had told myself this semester we are going to get all A’s and B’s. so I can bring my GPA back up, I don’t know if I can do it. I just don’t know if I’m intelligent enough. Up until this semester, I have just been repeating facts, dates, etc. Now it is actually reasoning. And I am learning my deductive reasoning sucks. I don’t know how to wake that part of the brain up.

In my job hunt I see titles and things for these positions that I can’t even imagine what they do, but they make money. They usually involve “Analyst” or something. I can’t analyze anything other than a simple graph. I don’t know how I plan to break free of the rat race and provide a decent living for my future offspring. I don’t know how I will ever have one of those awesome houses with the big wrap around porches. i don’t want to always live in the 30,000-50,000 income bracket, but if I can’t kick my brain into gear and actually get some skills besides “customer service” I’m fucked.

I always wonder if my upset times should just be written about here, or in my other journal. That journal is for all those girly things that overtake me, but i wonder if this is girly or just life. I dunno. I am slightly upset, and it happens every time that Larry is involved. I have no good reason for it. It frustrates the hell out of me, because not having a reason makes me feel like I’m just being a bad person.

 

Cameron is owned by Larry today. Larry called and had informed him of that two days ago. He had wanted him yesterday, however since yesterday was my birthday, Larry allowed a reprieve, grudgingly. (Never mind the fact that i baked a cake for Larry’s girlfriend on her birthday, because he wanted to do something nice for her, and he didn’t even text me a happy birthday yesterday, or say anything this morning when he called to get Cameron out of our cozy bed.)

When i first met him, i thought this might be a good friend for Cam, they had worked together at Toyota, and he was certainly better than the other idiots he worked with. Since Cam’s other friends were in Athens or had moved far away to bumblefuck GA for cheap houses, I thought, this is good. I liked him initially. But upon spending any amount of time with him, I would get agitated. Parties were fun for a little while, and then i would get pissy. I kept thinking, well maybe I’m just PMSing. Because it did always seem that our parties coincided with that time of the month.  But when the time frames started messing up, I had to wonder, do I just not like this boy? He’s friendly, and somewhat intelligent. He means well, and i think he has a good spirit, so why do all of my Emma senses detest him so? It’s really coming to that.

I hate it. He isn’t a bad person so far as I can tell. He is selfish, full of himself, and a bit of a dumbass, but not a murderer or anything. i just wonder sometimes if he has anyone’s interest at heart beyond his own. I doubt it. I’ve watched how he treats his girlfriend Alex at times, and while, yes, they are absolutely in love, I don’t think he is always the nicest to her. Not like blatantly mean, just picks on her, and does things to annoy her, and almost treats  her like “woman, fix me a sandwich.” Its nothing you would see and immediately think “good Lord, that is a kept woman!” Because its not like that, its just a touch of it sometimes and it rubs me wrong. But I think Cameron does that to me too without realizing he does it. He can be a bit of a man pig, and sometimes that bugs me, but most of the time, I enjoy it secretly. So maybe she doesn’t mind it.

For instance the other day when Larry was trying to sell his car, supposedly he called Cameron and Nick (who’s a huge man) and Kirk to go with him for the sale. I say supposedly because Cameron told me two different versions of the story and I have clue what may actually have gone down. He has a white lie problem at times, that sometimes is just blatant lying. Especially when he is with Larry. I’ve gotten over it, because I figure hey, maybe this is my karma.

Anyway, I tell Cameron he should tell Larry to make the sale at a bank so he can take the money in directly and have it checked and deposited before he turns over the title to the car. (my friend had just sold his jeep and this is what they did. It seemed very smart.) I told him he should also make sure that Larry has already cancelled his car insurance so if the guy is in a wreck it won’t be Larry’s fault.  I also suggest that he write up a bill of sale for the guy just in case he gets pulled over before he gets his new tag so he can have something to show the police.

I texted Larry to ensure that he got the info, because I wasn’t sure Cam would say anything. They attempted to make the sale in a Target parking lot, and the guy ended up not buying because it didn’t have AC, which Larry claims he told the guy via email and over the phone. I think this guy was trying to rip him off, but seeing the crew he brought didn’t bother. But still. He didn’t take any of my suggestions, thinking that a gun is going to be sufficient enough. What if the money had been fake? I’ve seen some good fakes.

And Larry has been trying to get Cameron to go to Devry. That, to me, is not a real school. They aren’t accredited to all three of the big places, and if you look it up online a lot of people say they got their “degree” such as it was, and then employers looked down on it and wouldn’t hire them because its such a joke school. Not to mention how expensive it is to go there. Cameron has lived in GA his whole life and just got his associates. He has the HOPE. I have told him if he goes back to school he should look at GA Tech or UGA. He likes both those schools fairly well, and I think he’d like to be involved in a frat eventually. I tried talking to Larry about going to a “real” school and talking to more than one idiot advisor before signing away all this money. He didn’t listen. He is so convinced he is right. He got fired for yelling at his boss the other day, not to mention the threats he made on a daily basis to some of his work associates because they pissed him off. So now his girlfriend’s dad is paying for their living expenses while he goes to this fake school. He thinks he’s been so smart. And I know he’s more clever than Cam can be, but I feel like I’m still smarter than he is. I am always looking out that he doesn’t drag Cam into some scheme that’s going to get him into trouble.

Larry told me a story about how his parents took in these kids when he was younger because they found out the kids parents had been whoring out the children in Lou of paying rent. Really horrible situation, but they took the kids in  i think it was something like 5 of them and tried to give them a better life. Unfortunately, the government didn’t want to help out with the finances of all these foster kids for whatever reason, so Larry’s parents went bankrupt trying to take care of all of them. Larry never forgave his parents for bringing in other kids. He’d been an only child. He has severed ties with them because of it. I’m sure there are other things that happened, but that's the part of the story he told me, like i should understand how horrible it was of his parents to try and help others.  I’m adopted, so i didn’t see what was so terrible. I can empathize, but i think it was terribly selfish of him to cut ties and hate his parents for it.

But I always wonder am I just being selfish myself? Am I just jealous of this kid for some reason. When i make it a statement in my head, it feels slightly correct, but I have no reason as to why. He steals Cameron for hours, when before we used to all get together. I feel so irrationally upset and i can’t stand it! I wish i could just shut it off, but there is no off switch. I don’t know why I feel this way. Do I miss chilling with my girls? Is it because Amy who was my bestie now has kids and is super busy? Danica is working, and she was my shopping buddy and since I have no extra cash for that I don’t get together with her as much. The girls at work that I hated, used to have gatherings and I’d get with them from time to time. I don’t know. I just don’t get it. I feel like a terrible person for it, I have no clue how to shut down. Do i need to shut down?

 

I like Cameron’s other friends. I tell him to go have guy time with them. They’re smart, and are going to rub off on him i like to think. Larry, I’m horrified of him rubbing off on Cameron. Deathly afraid, because our relationship would end if he turned out like Larry. End of story. I would never put up with someone like that. So I like to limit their interaction, but then I think, maybe I’m just being a controlling bitch. So, I’m mad at Larry and i’m mad at me. I can’t stand it!

Days can feel like revisited chapters. I opened one again today and the pages were worn out and I couldn’t see the beauty in the words. Indeed, they seemed hollow and i wondered. Who was that girl who understood this, then? Not me. She has died. But I did not bury her, no she wears cement shoes at the bottom of your lake, friends among fishes, and is quite content there. This new girl wears her skin and is brighter. A more godlike version.

 

That chapter cannot be burned, but it should not be reread. Its best to be vaguely remembered as something important to the grander story. I am on to chapter 23 soon.

 

How will this be written?

ah. life. I have been working in the yard a lot recently, once again trying to tackle the jungle that is my back fence line. Money would make my adventures so much easier. But alas, I go it slow and steady. Or not so steady, as I trip nearly every time i'm out there....
I have almost got the electric fence all installed. I need more 4" nails. I bought some 3 1/2 " nails that just won't cut it. I was giving Lowes the benefit of the doubt, but they disappointed me. back to home depot I go.

The foster kitty is doing well. I am still on a hunt for a permanent home. I haven't seen anyone from Humane yet, but I'll be hitting up the kiosk on Saturday to drop of the picture frames for our "adoptable kitty of the day" event. Or at least this event is still forming. But eh. I am hopeful. He is a cute kitten. I found an old pic of huxley and he was bigger than Little Man when I got him, but he was still adorable. orange with those grey eyes that hadn't changed yet. sigh. Now he's my big orange fluffball who needs mama constantly. I don't mind.


School has started. I still have 3 books to purchase. I am trying to figure out how I'm going to get the money. Only thing I can figure is just to be a month behind on the mortgage and buy them. I know eventually I'll get a job again, but waiting for the economy to turn around kinda sucks. I have so many plans I wish I could start. I have investing plans, I have remodelling plans. I dream of insulating the attic with that heat shield they talk about on the radio from energy defenders. I know my ac unit is too small for my house.  They screwed me. to be really comfortable I have to keep it at 74 at least. The 78 that most houses with the right size units can manage just won't do.

I dream of remodelling the kitchen. I dream of making the masterbathroom so much better than it is. I see my terraced back yard with the perfect brick grilling terrace. and lattice with plants all over it. A small hot tub. It will be the perfect home. And i'm making all these repairs just to sell the damn place. It is not my love nest. It was never meant to be, and so I just want to make it perfect for someone else who is smarter and more developed emotionally than I was whenI purchased the place. It would have helped if I'd had a parent tell me what to do---let me rephrase that--a parent who i didn't feel like was always judging me and expecting me to fail. Someone like Mommy Vaughn. I come over and feel like a little girl playing dress up, I learn how she does her laundry and borrow her lotions and hair gunk. She teaches me things, and I soak it up like a little daughter sponge. She is out of town right now, and its obvious. The house just doesn't feel the same without her.  Anyway.  There is no point to this post. I think i'm PMSing. I think of these things most when its that time of the month.  I'll check my calender, but I'm pretty sure my miserable time is upon me.

Mommy Vaughn has left town for a week again, leaving her husband and we children to fend for ourselves. We really do bunmble around without her. She is the oil in our cogs. She told me last night when she came to say goodbye and get a hug and kiss that I was her daughter now and that she expected to see me even if Cam and i split up. I told her I didn't think there was anything to worry about. 

It made me insanely happy to hear her formally acknowledge me like that. I almost feel like I got Karen back in her, just alittle. But I don't feel so lonely in my child status anymore. Yes, I have Suzie and Jane, but they are not like me. Not like Mommy Vaughn is.

I am just happy.  I was watching Mercy the other day, and Mom was telling me that she was attached to these toys that Grandma Vaughn has bought. I was looking at her and thought, are you grandma Vaughn come back to keep tabs? Mercy loves this Clown Rug thats old and tattered and this Big Monkey she climbs up-- both items Grandma had purchased. I looked at her and she looked back at me and gave me that grin of hers and reached for me.

Whether or not she is that soul, I get the feeling that Grammy Vaughn would have liked me too. And it makes me feel like i am finally home.

I could be your libby if you'd be my dennis.


But you said something that made me think you aren't a dennis. Why would you run that marathon for me? Not for me, and not even to just finish something. No. It was something else that would make you run and finish our hypothetical marathon. And you won't remember in the morning.
So i cried.
And you sleep.

Tomorrow is pancakes and  hangovers for most of the house. Fun times. I love them all so much.

Why is it that i get flea meds for the cats and dogs, I bomb the house and suddenly the little creatures are attacking me??? I guess the other feeding grounds have been poisoned, but dang, I’m over it. I just hope these last few stragglers are dead soon. I want my house back.

In other news, I baked a cake, and will be watching bridgettes boys tonight while she and hubby brave piedmont park to see Sir Paul. I can tell ya i wouldn’t spend 85 dollars a piece to see a show that should be free. Piedmont is known for its free shit. And the no chairs, no water, no food rules. Come on. How is a lawn chair not green? I can understand the take marta thing, but that’s all i understand. Water and sitting comfortably have nothing to do with greenness. Oh well.

 

And tomorrow I get to hang with my man. We had planned to chill with his family tonight since its is dad’s birthday (hence the cake) and drink margaritas, but i can’t say no to people when they need things. (hence the babysitting)

I don’t mind though. Its a little extra cash.

 

i feel like there is a flea in my hair! argh

oh, and the name Brixton is really very pretty, don’t you think? I always wonder what i will really end up naming my podlings.

Sometimes days are so full of goodness that I never know what to do with myself for the sheer joy of existing.

 

Think I’ll go walk my dogs.

SIgh. a sleepless night. Or rather I wake up every hour. It kinda sucks. I don't really have anything to say. I am not "pensive" or unhappy the way i used to get when i couldn't sleep, I am just awake. I know this is due to the boyfriend being at his house tonight because traffic sucked and i didn't want to waste gas sitting in traffic to drive back over there, and he was sick and i told him under no circumstances was he to get his butt out of bed and drive over here. There is nothing like your own bed when you feel ill.

I think its really just the common cold that has a hold of that house. Mommy Vaughn has been ill for about a week now and on meds that seem to be having no affect. Cameron is runny nosed and sneezy. Slightly achey and all that lovely sick person stuff. I went over yesterday afternoon to watch HP movies with him. That is always a good time. Even ill, he is still thoughtful and wonderful. I try to take care of him, but he does this thing where he weasels himself into my preparations for him and does whatever i am trying to do himself and  ends up doing something for me. It's sweet, but when one is trying to be the perfect girlfriend it is hard to know if one is succeeding.

He says true love is different than a first love. I agree with him. This feels so different than others. It feels more simple, more pure. Just two friends hanging out, slightly stupid for each other. But as always I am cautious. I like this hatchling thing. I am attached to its growth and devoted to its nurture. I take every day and love it like a gem. 

I like that we dream. Dreaming is good, and that the dreams are not just mine is a perfection. This creature is always evolving and I never know what it will look like tomorrow because he brings mental notes and changes to our little dragon. It is developing on the beach side under the star shine, healthy.

We should name our child.
I used to dream this when i was a little girl.

i get so frustrated with people who change from one moment to the next dependent on who is with them. I especially can't stand it when its a man doing it over some air headed girl who isn't into them at all. I have a friend--or at least i used to consider him a friend--who is mentally insane at the moment. College life is not good for him. He's away getting his entitlement card stamped in Athens getting the grades and hopefully the degree to make something of himself--all the while he is chasing these idiot girls who i size up in sixty seconds as good for him (and the rest of his true friends) or not. I have met two girls that were awesome. The rest are just blonde idiots who will populate the world with babies who only know what fox news and hannah montana tells them. I can't stand it. He used to be fun, he used to be independent. Or he seemed more so. Cam says he was always insecure in himself and I know this is why he is doing it. He doesn't know where he fits. I suppose I shouldn't say anything because I've been there too. I met up with an old friend today who said i seemed less mousy. I take that to mean i am more confident, i can stand on my own two feet and don't depend on everyone elses happiness to find my own. I am blossoming. i can tell these things are true in myself. I can feel them. However watching it occur to someone else--especially when that someone else is stepping on other peoples toes to seem "cool" or datable or whatever it is that frat boys look for--its maddening. I am so riled up right now, I feel like a rhodesian ridgeback with his shackles raised. I could tear skin, i could bark and howl my discontent. But time has told me it is best to sit back if it doesn't directly affect your every day life and just see if they come to their senses. If they don't, well no worries. But this whole kindred spirit thing....its----i don't know. Its not as strong as some friendships i have developed, but it seems like it is there. Perhaps i have lied to myself and we were never really that good of friends to begin with. His mentality and such is a moot point. Not my concern. But his pissing on my boyfriend is something i care a great deal about. Saving grace is that boyfriend knows how to handle himself and steps out of a situation if it is bullshit. And he calls this current situation bullshit. But he shrugs and says hey if he wants to keep doing this shit, we'll just be those friends that don't keep in touch. I just hate it because he's been such an important fixture in his life for all these years.....but people change, and the boyfriend doesn't seem too tore up about it. So i won't be either. I will be calm and collected and not say a fucking word about it all. I just can't stand idiocy.

typing always makes me feel better. I have no clue if this makes any sense or not. But its only for me, and for a few people who are so removed that they don't even know who i'm writing about. Its all good.


 

you are sleeping on the sofa. Candle light and beer was never so romantic.

when it snows, we will repeat this experience on mountain top cabins or in pjs at your house.

This is something that is already glossy in memory, as one of those few you remember always.


I like it when you call me sweetheart.

my babies were injured by my own stupidity last night. It resulted in a rushed trip to the emergency room for Buster who had a seizure and was given so many drugs he couldn't regulate his body temperature anymore. I was crying so hard. I skipped class while waiting on news about him and also watching my other kids to make sure they didn't act up. They were fine until early afternoon when Huxley started twitching in his tail. He was eating and playing, but it wasn't normal--so I took him and Kiku (who was acting normal) to the vet to be safe. I had no clue how i was going to pay for the other two. I was freaking out about paying for Buster. They got baths to wash off the chemical and were given muscle relaxers. The vet knew i was planning on selling whatever i had to to make sure my babies were taken care of. They skipped doing the required shots because I didn't have the money, and put the pills all in one box so i wouldn't have to pay for three prescriptions.

 

I put my tv up on craigslist and got a few nibbles. Someone is interested but lives out in Dawsonville and its a long drive for them. He's going to call me back about it in a bit. *fingers crossed*

This whole story started when my ac went out. Windows being open allowed fleas to come in, fleas infected my children and I didn't have fifty dollars to buy the expensive stuff. So on my budget of $20 i went to walmart and picked up some of the cheap over the counter stuff. Stuff for the cats and dogs. I also went and bought foggers to kill whatever might be hiding in the floor and curtains. I also got the outdoor barrier spray to put in the yard yearly to kill the eggs. I was 30 over budget. So i looked at the meds to see what could be done. I got a cheaper version of the dog med, and thought (stupidly) I can use the last one for the three cats, a few drops  and i might still have some left over for next month! Wrong.

The stuff they put in dog meds is different then what is supposed to be in cat meds. (the vet told me that a lot of times its the same medicine, just in lower doses and dangerous. Cats have died from the feline otc med.)

I put the stuff on my babies and think yay! we're all good to go. I get up this morning when Buster curls up next to me and is twitching slightly. He's nibbling on my fingers like he usually does, but his tail is twitching and as i watch his whiskers and body start. It dawns on me, that maybe I did something stupid. (why on earth it didn't cross my mind when i was buying the stuff...I can't get over how i didn't even THINK about it.)

I grab the box of flea stuff and in the bottom corner it says don't use on cats. I think "fuck" then I get online and see whats in the crap, and it says DEATH RUN TO THE VET! DO NOT STOP, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS!

I'm wailing by this point grabbing my cat, yelling at the boyfriend trying to find shoes and carrying a confused cat to the car. Luckily my emergency vet is only five minutes away because none of my regulars are open. We get there and he starts shaking so bad, he's convulsing. They grab him and I'm a sobbing mess, hair sticking out all over from sleep and in shirt i wore to bed and stinky.

I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. THe vet tried to make me feel better by telling me they had another case in the back room too. Apparently its common, but it didn't make me stop crying. The boyfriend kept saying "stop crying." SO i shut down. I went numb like you have to do sometimes. But i still haven't warmed back upto him 100%. His male logic has done nothing but upset me today, and I know its not his intent. He says Well you have to READ the labels. Well you should have PAID ATTENTION. Things that aren't really bad, but still get under my skin because its not nurturing and caring like a fellow mother would be able to afford me. His statements indicate he feels that he never would have made a mistake like that. He knows better and I should have too.

I promptly texted all my girl friends and we talked--me crying and  them helping me feel better. My children were injured and no one could really take away that pain from me, but I was trying to have a support group. It helped. I had a headache all day. I skipped class and watched Kiku and Hux.

The vet did tell me that many many years ago in her youth she had done the same thing. Given dog meds to her cat and rushed him to the emergency room. Its just a lesson to be learned, and she really recommends buying the expensive stuff online rather than the otc stuff because its a gamble every time you put it on, even if you get the right size tube and right species tube.

I am so glad to have my babies home. Buster has his IV in just in case he has an issue tonight, and I have to shove pills down their throats every 12 hours. But my relief over having my children back is palpable. THey are my world. (Danica says i love my cats more than i probably should--and she's right) My cats haven't let me down. I don't have theories about why they are with me, I don't expect them to up and leave me for Iraq in the next five years. I have another good ten years with my babies, and I plan on enjoying every furry moment of it.